IN THE NEWS:

Annonymous souces confirm that Comedienne Rosie O’Donnell and her partner Kelli Carpenter are looking to adopt another child.

GAZA (Reuters) – Israel on Wednesday rebuffed French calls for a 48-hour humanitarian truce in the Gaza Strip and stepped up preparations for a possible ground offensive after Hamas's long-range rockets hit a major population center. Israeli General Ivan Tecuetdeirbolszoff said accepting military advice from France would be like accepting dieting tips from Michael Moore.

Woman, 88, gives naked intruder the ‘squeeze’

PORTLAND, Ore. - 88 year young Anita Mann was furious yesterday when police arrested a naked man who broke into her apartment and accosted her. In her statement to police Mann said, "I've gone though a lot of hard times and disappointment during my 88 years and God finally answers a prayer and I got the guy in a death grip he'll never escape from and you muckity mucks come along and screw it up".

NEW YORK, NY Madison Avenue executive, Will Selum has issued his "Worst Named Products" list for 2008. They are as follows:
5) Manwich
4) Zagnuts
3) Harry's Cheese Balls
2) Grey Poupon
1) Ragu

Following this announcement Ragu and Grey Poupon issued a statement of their own announcing that they have formed a joint venture to market a new gravy named Barf.
In keeping with the "food that looks like its name theme" employed by it's parents Barf will be a dull brownish color with little chunks of meat .

ON THIS DATE:

1862
President Abraham Lincoln signed an act admitting West Virginia to the Union after he lost a coin flip with Jefferson Davis.

TOAY"S QUOTE:

Give a man some corn and he'll eat for a day. Teach him to plant it and he'll steal your land and call it Massachusetts - Squanto

IN THE NEWS:

Washington D.C. Congress is expected to pass a bill authorizing a $15 Billion bailout package for Santa Claus. The move follows Santa's announcement that without the funds he'll have to cancel Christmas in 2009. Despite support from the White House, the bill is expected to meet stiff resistance by Republican Senators who vow to filibuster the bill unless the Elves union agrees to accept wage cuts. Union President Ollie Wannespoon claims the elves have already suffered many job losses and blame the high cost of gift giving on the increased cost of the highly narcotic "magic" dust required to get the reindeer off the ground. President elect Obama promises that if a settlement is not reached before he takes office, he will save Christmas by taxing Santa for sending jobs to China.

Palin's daughter gives birth to son named Tripp

ANCHORAGE, Alaska – The daughter of former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has given birth to a son. Bristol Palin, 18, gave birth to Tripp Johnston on Saturday, People magazine reported online. He weighed 7 pounds. The father is Levi Johnston, a former hockey player at Alaska's Wasilla High School. Johnston's mother was arrested on felony drug charges this month after state troopers served a search warrant at her Wasilla home. Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, have five children ranging in ages from 7 months to 19 years named Trig, Track, Willow, Piper, and Bristol. Anybody willing to bet that The Palins and Johnston's are all card carrying members of the Dead Heads Alaska Chapter?

In a related story, SNL creator Lorne Michael's announced the firing of Tina Fey for fucking up what would have probably been the funniest material coming out of the White House since Gerald Ford hit an old man in the head with a golf ball then fell in the water hazard while walking over to see if he was ok.

Scientists say they have discovered the world's largest dinosaur fossil site. Won't they be surprised when they dig a little deeper and discover they have only found Robert Byrd's childhood pet cemetary.

ON THIS DATE IN HISTORY:

1993 Israel and the Vatican agreed to recognize one another. Their first meeting went something like this. Hello Jew. Kill any children today? Hello to you too you Schmuck. Fuck any children today?

2006 Former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein was hanged. Immediately after his death John Edward's claimed to have channeled Hussein who confirmed that although he did receive the martyr's reward of 72 black-eyed virgins ..... since he was in hell, they were all former nuns.

In an effort not to discriminate or show favoritism for or against any one religion, I would like to add that I am sure that somewhere on this date a Scientologist, a Baptist, a Hindu, a Taoist, a Budist, an agnostic, and an atheist gang raped a chicken then cooked it for dinner. If I have left out your religion or have not insulted you or your belief's properly, I humbly ask your personal diety to infest your crotch with nits until you obtain a sense of humor and tolerance.

TODAY'S QUOTE:

I began to succeed in Hollywood when I began to suck seed in Hollywood -Heidi Fleiss

IN THE NEWS:




A hopeful contestant competes in the swimsuit competition of the Miss Bangladesh beauty contest. In addition to the right to represent her country in the Miss Universe pageant, the winner will receive a bag of rice and a chicken.

Wind knocks out power to 413,000 in Mich.

DETROIT - Wind gusting more than 60 mph knocked out power to about 413,000 Michigan homes and businesses on Sunday. Michigan Govenor Howie Sook declared a state of euphoria as 413,000 homes were spared the embarrassment of having to watch the Lions go 0-16. Longtime Ann Arbor Police Chief, Mason "Blue" Bloze said, " it was tough clearing the streets cuz with all the sucking and blowing going on the students thought the Wolverines were playing and started to tailgate.


Cleveland - Speaking of giant sucking sounds, the Cleveland Browns season mercifully came to an end yesterday with a 31-0 ass whupping courtesy of our hated rivals the Steelers. Browns fans are so frustrated that many turn to religion during these bleak times. The Pope claims his number one prayer request is from Browns fans who want a Super Bowl Winner but he is very sad to report that God spoke to him yesterday and finally said, "I am sorry. I've tried but there is evidently nothing I can do. Please stop wasting my time." Sources close to the team report that in a fit of desperation Cleveland Browns owner Randy Lerner offered his soul to the devil but was advised by Hells Public Relations department that that deal has already been made with Arthur Model.

Viagra Associated With Hearing Loss

The FDA warns that the use of Viagra can result in a loss of hearing as well as blurred vision. Pfizer spokesman Eric Sean Fuller confirmed the FDA findings by saying, "duh, why do you think it works".

ON THIS DATE:

Jewish prankster Shecky Beerstein threw his voice behind a burning bush and told Moses to go take a hike.

TODAY"S QUOTE:

Sorry Bono but all the money in the world won't reduce AIDS in Africa unless the people stop fucking monkeys - The Edge

Sometimes this is too easy: The following was copied right off of MSN's homepage this morning.

Healthy Choice:
What is that smell?
Dos & don'ts of office romance
Stuff this package with love
Why they call her 'Slots'
Singing with your pants down

Well it's x-mas eve and I finally have my Christmas Shopping done. Here's my gift list.

President Bush - I got him "Democracy for Dummies" with an arrow on the front cover that indicates this end up.

Laura Bush got an "I'm With Stupid T-Shirt" Pretty sure she now has one for everyday of the year.

I hope Dick Chaney appreciates how many stores I had to go to before I finally found one that wasn't sold out of "How to Field Dress a Lawyer".

President Elect Obama - Gets an empty water cooler bottle to put all his change in.

I got Jimmy Carter something I know he doesn't already have. A clue.

Hillary Clinton will be doing a lot of traveling in her new position so I got her a cup holder that is custom designed to fit right on the end of her broom.

Nancy Pelosi gets a year's supply of Midol and a box of chocolates.

Harry Reed gets some Neuticles.

Al Gore gets a copy of "The Sky is Falling" and a "Hello My Name is Chicken Little" name tag.

I wasn't sure what to get Ted Kennedy but I finally decided on a gun with one bullet and a card that says " It's never too late to do the right thing".

Oprah gets a one size fits all stretchy pantsuit.

Katie Holmes Cruise and Suri get bus tickets to an undisclosed location and new identities.

I got Jessie Jackson a black dreidel.

A-Rod gets instructions on how to give himself the Heimlich before big games.

I got Michael Moore the all you can eat seafood buffet although most of you know it better as the Pacific Ocean.

I got Carrot Top a prop that is guaranteed to make both him and his audience laugh - it's a two way mirror.

I got Brad Pitt a lottery ticket and I know before he scratches it off it's going to be a big winner, lucky bastard.

Finally, I was going to get Madonna some wrinkle removing cream but I was afraid that if she used it she would disappear entirely, so I sent it to Nancy Pelosi instead.

To everyone else I wish a very Safe and Merry Christmas.

Happy Kwanmaskah!

IN THE NEWS:


Sammy Hagar, David Crosby, King Diamond, and Nikki Sixx announce the formation of their new supergroup One Day at a Time. The band is currently in the studio working on their new album, "Dependency" which is expected to be released this Spring. The band expects to tour in support of the album providing David Crosby's liver holds-out.



CINCINNATI (AP) - Coy Bacon, a fierce pass rusher during a 14-year NFL career with Los Angeles, Cincinnati and Washington, died Monday. He was 66. He is survived by his three brothers Turk E., Bitso, and Macon.



Court agrees to pay Spears' father $75/hour



LOS ANGELES (AP) -- A court has put a higher value on being Britney Spears' father this year: about $75 an hour. Jamie Spears had been receiving $10,000 a month for his work, but Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Ima Nuetbeg increased that amount to approximately $16,000 per month and agreed to give him backpay. This is so fucked up that I don't really need to add anything here .........but what the hell. This is LA so why not just hire an illegal alien to be her father. It would be much cheaper and I'm sure the guy would work ten times harder than her real dad. " No, No Britney, jew haf to poot on jure panties before jew go out. No, No, Britney. Jew can't date the Backstreet Boys becas they is fegs. No, No Britney. Jew can't marry da fry cooker at da Yak in Da Box becas he only wants jure money and jure poosy. I mean if Britney isn't the classic case of a child celebrity, whored out and neglected by her parents then I'll be the cream in an Oprah & Starr Jones Oreo cookie

Well I'm just too busy with my real job to post a blog today so I figured I'd get a guest blogger to fill in for me.

I called Carlos Mencia but he said he has been so busy Christmas shopping that he hasn't had the time to steal any new jokes lately so he just doesn't have any material.

Tommy Chong kept saying Don ain't here and hanging up on me.

I asked Sienfeld but he went on and on about what is a blog, why do they call it a blog, etc. etc. so finally I had to say "no blog for you".

Michael Richardson's agent said a Chinaman cut Michael off then flipped him the bird on his way into the city this morning . So he's afraid to let him make any public appearances today.

Word got around to Carrot Top and he called me to offer his services so I had to explain that I wanted someone with a sense of humor. I did ask him if he thought his plastic surgeon might be interested. I can't print his response here. Not because it was too dirty but it just wasn't funny.

Any way I called a bunch of other people but most of them have taken the holidays off or they are working on their own Christmas specials.

Finally, I thought of the one funny person who had absolutely nothing to do.

So without further adieu, I give you the President of the United States.

George W. Bush.

Hello my Fellow Americans

Man it's cold out there. ( heh, heh, heh how cold is it?)

It's so cold I overheard Dick Cheney and Condolezza Rice talking about the weather and I thought they were discussing Congress' approval rating.

It's so cold that if the Cleveland Browns played the weather today, they would only lose by three points.

It's so cold, I saw a snowman trying to build a fire.

It was so, cold Dick Chaney's false teeth were chattering in the glass.

It's so cold, the turkey I pardoned for Thanksgiving stuffed himself with chilli peppers and jumped in the turkey fryer.

It's so cold the eternal flame at JFK's grave is wearing a hat and mittens.

It's so cold Hillary put on leg warmers. Which came as a surprise to Bill who said he thought she always wore leg warmers.

and finally it's so cold that Astronomers announced the discovery of two more rings of ice crystals encircling Uranus ( heh, heh, heh, ice crystals encirling your anus.....get it.)

Your friend and President.
George W. Bush

IN THE NEWS:


US balks at backing condemnation of anti-gay laws.

UNITED NATIONS – Alone among major Western nations, the United States has refused to sign a declaration presented Thursday at the United Nations calling for worldwide decriminalization of homosexuality. Strangely, the declaration also has been opposed by the Vatican. A Vatican spokesman, the Rev. Iliekum Young, said " We are very much against the decriminalization of homosexuality and the church has always stringently punished the indecent acts of its priests by transfering them to a new diocese with fresh young meat and unsuspecting parents.


Minn. Senate Race Still Undecided.



ST. PAUL, Minn. Well they are still counting votes in Minnesota and Republican incumbent Norm Coleman has seen his lead shrink from 360 votes to just two over Democratic challenger Al Franken. Asked to comment on his prospects for actually becoming a senator Franken said, " I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it the people of Minnesota will evidently vote for anybody who helps em shovel their drive.



Cleveland, Ohio. After going a remarkable 10-6 and nearly making the playoffs in 2007, the Cleveland Browns have had a terribly disappointing season in 2008. Cleveland Congressman Dennis Kuccinich claims the decline is further evidence that the Surge in Iraq is not working and that under Obama the Brown's should at least be able to score an offensive touchdown once in a while.

ON THIS DATE :

1996 The skool bowed o' Oakland, voted ta recnize Black English, also known as "ebonics" . So don't forget kid's raise yo fool han if yo wants to axe a question.



2008 Ben Vereen comes out of the closet



Well not really but come on Ben you've never been married, you're a huge supporter of Boy's Clubs, and I'll bet most people reading this won't realize until now that the above picture is not Ben Vereen it's Cicely Tyson. By the way, happy birthday to Cicely who turns 75 years old today.
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TODAY'S QUOTE:

Ho!Ho!Ho! Pimp! Drug Deal! Car-jacking! Another Ho! I swear this neighborhood is going to hell in a handbasket-Santa Claus