GUESS THAT CELEBRITY KID:

There's Waldo!

IN THE NEWS:

Delete 10 Facebook Friends, Get a Free Whopper

Fast-food chain Burger King has created "Whopper Sacrifice," a Facebook app that will give you a coupon for a free hamburger if you delete 10 people from your friends list. So don't be surprised if you receive a "Friend Request" from Michael Moore who is still friendless as of this post.

Man accused of selling daughter for cash, beer

GREENFIELD, Calif. - Police have arrested a Greenfield man they say sold his 14-year-old daughter into marriage in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat. Police said they only learned of the deal after the 36-year-old man went to them to get his daughter back because payment wasn't made as promised. Hung So Small, who bought his wife twenty two years ago for $500 and 50 BOGO Big Mac coupons, said he has learned his lesson and will demand payment in advance next time.

ON THIS DATE:

1966 - Robert C. Weaver became the first black Cabinet member as he was appointed Secretary of Housing and Urban Development by LBJ. For some of you younger people LBJ was President Lyndon B. Johnson, not President Clinton.

1992 - Japan apologized for forcing tens of thousands of Korean women to serve as sex slaves for Japanese soldiers during World War II. " We aw so solly fo focing Kolean radies to be plostitutes. Mostry because Kolean woman so ugry. Prease fogive.

Name That Child Celebrity:

Pamela Anderson began practicing her acting talents at a very young age.

Say hello to little Georgie Wendt, better know as Norm from Cheers.

IN THE NEWS:

CONCORD, N.H. – New Hampshire Episcopal Bishop Gene Robinson , the first openly gay Episcopal bishop, will offer a prayer at the Lincoln Memorial at an inaugural event for President-elect Barack Obama. It's important for any minority to see themselves represented in some way," Robinson told the newspaper for a story in Monday's editions. "Whether it be a racial minority, an ethnic minority, or in our case, a sexual minority. In response, Obama is considering adding Michael Jackson to his cabinet to represent White, blacks, males, females, adults, children, gays, heterosexuals, and circus freaks.

ON THIS DATE:
Radio heavy-weights Rush Limbaugh and Howard Stern were both born on this date. One is known for being a loudmouthed, drug abusing funny guy and the other is Howard Stern

IN THE NEWS:

A contestant on The Biggest Loser has been arrested for allegedly assaulting a housemate with a bag of flour. According to police, on Dec. 16, Shannon Thomas assaulted Johnny Fish, a man who lived in the basement of her suburban Detroit home. She is alleged to have "kicked open the door" to his basement apartment and threw flour in his face. Said, Mr. Fish, "after she breaded me she tried to sprinkle me with seasonings ... all the while she was licking her chops and saying hold still my little fish burger". I was able to escape by tossing a Ring Ding across the room and sprinting for the door.

Porn industry seeks own stimulus ... package.

TMZ is reporting that Hustler's Larry Flynt and "Girls Gone Wild" creator Joe Francis are asking for a $5 billion federal bailout of the adult entertainment industry. The website claims adult DVD sales are down 22 percent in a year. Lobbyists for the industry were joined on Capitol Hill by lobbyists from the tissue and lotion industries as well as FOP representative Richard Wank who said, " down economies are always troubled by a rise in crime and the last thing understaffed police departments need right now is a lot of frustrated men with nothing on their hands but time".

IN THE NEWS:

Historic Meeting at the White House.

Surviving members of the great Boston Celtic's teams that won 9 championships during the 60's visit with President Bush in the Oval Office. Pictured left to right are Bill Sharman, K.C. Jones, President Bush, John Havlicek, and Bob Cousy

Monkey see....Monkey do

Not only is he promising to continue tax cuts, economic stimulus programs, and US involvement in the Middle East but he even walks and dresses like George W. Bush. This is for all the people who gulp down all the crap the politicians spoon feed them during the campaigns "Meet the new boss...same as the old boss".

Kawasaki Syndrome is a condition where you have the cost and work associated with owning and maintaining a bike without the benefit of ever getting laid.

ON THIS DATE:

1999 President Bill Clinton's impeachment trial began in the Senate. (He was later acquitted on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice.) Fortunately for President Clinton, he was never actually charged with jizzing on an impressionable intern. Therefore, after much debate, the Senate finally had to agree that when the President said, "He did not have sex with that woman", he was telling the truth. He actually had sex on that woman.

Can you guess that celebrity child photo?









That's right this first one is an easy one, Its Axl Rose celebrating his 6th birthday party. Unfortunately for Axl, this was probably the high point of his day as he later got his ass kicked by little Jon Bon Jovi.

Photo number two.



That's right its Jon Bon Jovi celebrating the first and only time he ever won a fight.

IN THE NEWS:

JACKSON, Ohio – Police say a 4-year-old Ohio boy grabbed a gun from a closet and shot his baby sitter. Eighteen-year-old Nathan Beavers was hospitalized Sunday with minor wounds to his arm and side after the shotgun attack. When questioned about his motive the little boy said, " I'm tired of my daddy nagging my mommy to shoot him beavers while I'm trying to watch my cartoons - so I shot one for him.

MADRID, Spain - Actor Tom Cruise said Scientology teachings helped him overcome childhood dyslexia, a Spanish magazine reported. Cruise said he was often anxious, frustrated and bored as a youth. If this is true, perhaps anyone who has suffered through "Valkyrie", may want to give Scientology a shot.


ON THIS DATE:

1941 President Franklin D. Roosevelt, in his State of the Union address, outlined a goal of "Four Freedoms" for the world: freedom of speech and expression, the freedom of people to worship God in their own way, freedom from want, and the freedom to starve the third world and drain them of their natural resources.

1994 Figure skater Nancy Kerrigan was clubbed on the right leg by an assailant in Detroit. . The investigation soon centered on rival skater Tonya Harding when Nancy informed police the club stunk just like Tonya's locker.

With military recruiting levels way down and civilian unemploment levels on the rise, President elect Obama is considering replacing the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" with a "No Need to Ask" policy.

DO RAG

DON'T DO RAG

ON THIS DATE:

1896 The Austrian newspaper Wiener Presse reported the discovery by German physicist Wilhelm Roentgen of a type of radiation that came to be known as an X-ray. Sadly, the paper folded one year later with a headline reading Wiener Presse cuts off circulation.

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2004 After 14 years of denials, Pete Rose publicly admitted that he'd bet on baseball while manager of the Cincinnati Reds. He claimed that his problem actually started as a player when he lost a friendly bet to long time Dodger fan Mo Howard, the stakes - matching haircuts.

TODAY'S Quote:

Thanks anyway buddy but I don't have time for lessons. Just strap those ski's on tight and give me push. Sonny Bono

IN THE NEWS:

Annonymous souces confirm that Comedienne Rosie O’Donnell and her partner Kelli Carpenter are looking to adopt another child.

GAZA (Reuters) – Israel on Wednesday rebuffed French calls for a 48-hour humanitarian truce in the Gaza Strip and stepped up preparations for a possible ground offensive after Hamas's long-range rockets hit a major population center. Israeli General Ivan Tecuetdeirbolszoff said accepting military advice from France would be like accepting dieting tips from Michael Moore.

Woman, 88, gives naked intruder the ‘squeeze’

PORTLAND, Ore. - 88 year young Anita Mann was furious yesterday when police arrested a naked man who broke into her apartment and accosted her. In her statement to police Mann said, "I've gone though a lot of hard times and disappointment during my 88 years and God finally answers a prayer and I got the guy in a death grip he'll never escape from and you muckity mucks come along and screw it up".

NEW YORK, NY Madison Avenue executive, Will Selum has issued his "Worst Named Products" list for 2008. They are as follows:
5) Manwich
4) Zagnuts
3) Harry's Cheese Balls
2) Grey Poupon
1) Ragu

Following this announcement Ragu and Grey Poupon issued a statement of their own announcing that they have formed a joint venture to market a new gravy named Barf.
In keeping with the "food that looks like its name theme" employed by it's parents Barf will be a dull brownish color with little chunks of meat .

ON THIS DATE:

1862
President Abraham Lincoln signed an act admitting West Virginia to the Union after he lost a coin flip with Jefferson Davis.

TOAY"S QUOTE:

Give a man some corn and he'll eat for a day. Teach him to plant it and he'll steal your land and call it Massachusetts - Squanto

IN THE NEWS:

Washington D.C. Congress is expected to pass a bill authorizing a $15 Billion bailout package for Santa Claus. The move follows Santa's announcement that without the funds he'll have to cancel Christmas in 2009. Despite support from the White House, the bill is expected to meet stiff resistance by Republican Senators who vow to filibuster the bill unless the Elves union agrees to accept wage cuts. Union President Ollie Wannespoon claims the elves have already suffered many job losses and blame the high cost of gift giving on the increased cost of the highly narcotic "magic" dust required to get the reindeer off the ground. President elect Obama promises that if a settlement is not reached before he takes office, he will save Christmas by taxing Santa for sending jobs to China.

Palin's daughter gives birth to son named Tripp

ANCHORAGE, Alaska – The daughter of former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has given birth to a son. Bristol Palin, 18, gave birth to Tripp Johnston on Saturday, People magazine reported online. He weighed 7 pounds. The father is Levi Johnston, a former hockey player at Alaska's Wasilla High School. Johnston's mother was arrested on felony drug charges this month after state troopers served a search warrant at her Wasilla home. Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, have five children ranging in ages from 7 months to 19 years named Trig, Track, Willow, Piper, and Bristol. Anybody willing to bet that The Palins and Johnston's are all card carrying members of the Dead Heads Alaska Chapter?

In a related story, SNL creator Lorne Michael's announced the firing of Tina Fey for fucking up what would have probably been the funniest material coming out of the White House since Gerald Ford hit an old man in the head with a golf ball then fell in the water hazard while walking over to see if he was ok.

Scientists say they have discovered the world's largest dinosaur fossil site. Won't they be surprised when they dig a little deeper and discover they have only found Robert Byrd's childhood pet cemetary.

ON THIS DATE IN HISTORY:

1993 Israel and the Vatican agreed to recognize one another. Their first meeting went something like this. Hello Jew. Kill any children today? Hello to you too you Schmuck. Fuck any children today?

2006 Former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein was hanged. Immediately after his death John Edward's claimed to have channeled Hussein who confirmed that although he did receive the martyr's reward of 72 black-eyed virgins ..... since he was in hell, they were all former nuns.

In an effort not to discriminate or show favoritism for or against any one religion, I would like to add that I am sure that somewhere on this date a Scientologist, a Baptist, a Hindu, a Taoist, a Budist, an agnostic, and an atheist gang raped a chicken then cooked it for dinner. If I have left out your religion or have not insulted you or your belief's properly, I humbly ask your personal diety to infest your crotch with nits until you obtain a sense of humor and tolerance.

TODAY'S QUOTE:

I began to succeed in Hollywood when I began to suck seed in Hollywood -Heidi Fleiss

IN THE NEWS:




A hopeful contestant competes in the swimsuit competition of the Miss Bangladesh beauty contest. In addition to the right to represent her country in the Miss Universe pageant, the winner will receive a bag of rice and a chicken.

Wind knocks out power to 413,000 in Mich.

DETROIT - Wind gusting more than 60 mph knocked out power to about 413,000 Michigan homes and businesses on Sunday. Michigan Govenor Howie Sook declared a state of euphoria as 413,000 homes were spared the embarrassment of having to watch the Lions go 0-16. Longtime Ann Arbor Police Chief, Mason "Blue" Bloze said, " it was tough clearing the streets cuz with all the sucking and blowing going on the students thought the Wolverines were playing and started to tailgate.


Cleveland - Speaking of giant sucking sounds, the Cleveland Browns season mercifully came to an end yesterday with a 31-0 ass whupping courtesy of our hated rivals the Steelers. Browns fans are so frustrated that many turn to religion during these bleak times. The Pope claims his number one prayer request is from Browns fans who want a Super Bowl Winner but he is very sad to report that God spoke to him yesterday and finally said, "I am sorry. I've tried but there is evidently nothing I can do. Please stop wasting my time." Sources close to the team report that in a fit of desperation Cleveland Browns owner Randy Lerner offered his soul to the devil but was advised by Hells Public Relations department that that deal has already been made with Arthur Model.

Viagra Associated With Hearing Loss

The FDA warns that the use of Viagra can result in a loss of hearing as well as blurred vision. Pfizer spokesman Eric Sean Fuller confirmed the FDA findings by saying, "duh, why do you think it works".

ON THIS DATE:

Jewish prankster Shecky Beerstein threw his voice behind a burning bush and told Moses to go take a hike.

TODAY"S QUOTE:

Sorry Bono but all the money in the world won't reduce AIDS in Africa unless the people stop fucking monkeys - The Edge

Sometimes this is too easy: The following was copied right off of MSN's homepage this morning.

Healthy Choice:
What is that smell?
Dos & don'ts of office romance
Stuff this package with love
Why they call her 'Slots'
Singing with your pants down

Well it's x-mas eve and I finally have my Christmas Shopping done. Here's my gift list.

President Bush - I got him "Democracy for Dummies" with an arrow on the front cover that indicates this end up.

Laura Bush got an "I'm With Stupid T-Shirt" Pretty sure she now has one for everyday of the year.

I hope Dick Chaney appreciates how many stores I had to go to before I finally found one that wasn't sold out of "How to Field Dress a Lawyer".

President Elect Obama - Gets an empty water cooler bottle to put all his change in.

I got Jimmy Carter something I know he doesn't already have. A clue.

Hillary Clinton will be doing a lot of traveling in her new position so I got her a cup holder that is custom designed to fit right on the end of her broom.

Nancy Pelosi gets a year's supply of Midol and a box of chocolates.

Harry Reed gets some Neuticles.

Al Gore gets a copy of "The Sky is Falling" and a "Hello My Name is Chicken Little" name tag.

I wasn't sure what to get Ted Kennedy but I finally decided on a gun with one bullet and a card that says " It's never too late to do the right thing".

Oprah gets a one size fits all stretchy pantsuit.

Katie Holmes Cruise and Suri get bus tickets to an undisclosed location and new identities.

I got Jessie Jackson a black dreidel.

A-Rod gets instructions on how to give himself the Heimlich before big games.

I got Michael Moore the all you can eat seafood buffet although most of you know it better as the Pacific Ocean.

I got Carrot Top a prop that is guaranteed to make both him and his audience laugh - it's a two way mirror.

I got Brad Pitt a lottery ticket and I know before he scratches it off it's going to be a big winner, lucky bastard.

Finally, I was going to get Madonna some wrinkle removing cream but I was afraid that if she used it she would disappear entirely, so I sent it to Nancy Pelosi instead.

To everyone else I wish a very Safe and Merry Christmas.

Happy Kwanmaskah!

IN THE NEWS:


Sammy Hagar, David Crosby, King Diamond, and Nikki Sixx announce the formation of their new supergroup One Day at a Time. The band is currently in the studio working on their new album, "Dependency" which is expected to be released this Spring. The band expects to tour in support of the album providing David Crosby's liver holds-out.



CINCINNATI (AP) - Coy Bacon, a fierce pass rusher during a 14-year NFL career with Los Angeles, Cincinnati and Washington, died Monday. He was 66. He is survived by his three brothers Turk E., Bitso, and Macon.



Court agrees to pay Spears' father $75/hour



LOS ANGELES (AP) -- A court has put a higher value on being Britney Spears' father this year: about $75 an hour. Jamie Spears had been receiving $10,000 a month for his work, but Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Ima Nuetbeg increased that amount to approximately $16,000 per month and agreed to give him backpay. This is so fucked up that I don't really need to add anything here .........but what the hell. This is LA so why not just hire an illegal alien to be her father. It would be much cheaper and I'm sure the guy would work ten times harder than her real dad. " No, No Britney, jew haf to poot on jure panties before jew go out. No, No, Britney. Jew can't date the Backstreet Boys becas they is fegs. No, No Britney. Jew can't marry da fry cooker at da Yak in Da Box becas he only wants jure money and jure poosy. I mean if Britney isn't the classic case of a child celebrity, whored out and neglected by her parents then I'll be the cream in an Oprah & Starr Jones Oreo cookie

Well I'm just too busy with my real job to post a blog today so I figured I'd get a guest blogger to fill in for me.

I called Carlos Mencia but he said he has been so busy Christmas shopping that he hasn't had the time to steal any new jokes lately so he just doesn't have any material.

Tommy Chong kept saying Don ain't here and hanging up on me.

I asked Sienfeld but he went on and on about what is a blog, why do they call it a blog, etc. etc. so finally I had to say "no blog for you".

Michael Richardson's agent said a Chinaman cut Michael off then flipped him the bird on his way into the city this morning . So he's afraid to let him make any public appearances today.

Word got around to Carrot Top and he called me to offer his services so I had to explain that I wanted someone with a sense of humor. I did ask him if he thought his plastic surgeon might be interested. I can't print his response here. Not because it was too dirty but it just wasn't funny.

Any way I called a bunch of other people but most of them have taken the holidays off or they are working on their own Christmas specials.

Finally, I thought of the one funny person who had absolutely nothing to do.

So without further adieu, I give you the President of the United States.

George W. Bush.

Hello my Fellow Americans

Man it's cold out there. ( heh, heh, heh how cold is it?)

It's so cold I overheard Dick Cheney and Condolezza Rice talking about the weather and I thought they were discussing Congress' approval rating.

It's so cold that if the Cleveland Browns played the weather today, they would only lose by three points.

It's so cold, I saw a snowman trying to build a fire.

It was so, cold Dick Chaney's false teeth were chattering in the glass.

It's so cold, the turkey I pardoned for Thanksgiving stuffed himself with chilli peppers and jumped in the turkey fryer.

It's so cold the eternal flame at JFK's grave is wearing a hat and mittens.

It's so cold Hillary put on leg warmers. Which came as a surprise to Bill who said he thought she always wore leg warmers.

and finally it's so cold that Astronomers announced the discovery of two more rings of ice crystals encircling Uranus ( heh, heh, heh, ice crystals encirling your anus.....get it.)

Your friend and President.
George W. Bush

IN THE NEWS:


US balks at backing condemnation of anti-gay laws.

UNITED NATIONS – Alone among major Western nations, the United States has refused to sign a declaration presented Thursday at the United Nations calling for worldwide decriminalization of homosexuality. Strangely, the declaration also has been opposed by the Vatican. A Vatican spokesman, the Rev. Iliekum Young, said " We are very much against the decriminalization of homosexuality and the church has always stringently punished the indecent acts of its priests by transfering them to a new diocese with fresh young meat and unsuspecting parents.


Minn. Senate Race Still Undecided.



ST. PAUL, Minn. Well they are still counting votes in Minnesota and Republican incumbent Norm Coleman has seen his lead shrink from 360 votes to just two over Democratic challenger Al Franken. Asked to comment on his prospects for actually becoming a senator Franken said, " I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it the people of Minnesota will evidently vote for anybody who helps em shovel their drive.



Cleveland, Ohio. After going a remarkable 10-6 and nearly making the playoffs in 2007, the Cleveland Browns have had a terribly disappointing season in 2008. Cleveland Congressman Dennis Kuccinich claims the decline is further evidence that the Surge in Iraq is not working and that under Obama the Brown's should at least be able to score an offensive touchdown once in a while.

ON THIS DATE :

1996 The skool bowed o' Oakland, voted ta recnize Black English, also known as "ebonics" . So don't forget kid's raise yo fool han if yo wants to axe a question.



2008 Ben Vereen comes out of the closet



Well not really but come on Ben you've never been married, you're a huge supporter of Boy's Clubs, and I'll bet most people reading this won't realize until now that the above picture is not Ben Vereen it's Cicely Tyson. By the way, happy birthday to Cicely who turns 75 years old today.
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TODAY'S QUOTE:

Ho!Ho!Ho! Pimp! Drug Deal! Car-jacking! Another Ho! I swear this neighborhood is going to hell in a handbasket-Santa Claus

Ohio workers hit lottery jackpot:

(CNN) -- Fourteen city workers and one retired city worker in the western Ohio town of Piqua claimed a $207 million 12-state lottery prize Wednesday. Lottery officials set the odds of 14 people still having a job in Piqua at about a million to one.

U.N. court convicts Bagosora for Rwanda:

NAIROBI (Reuters) – A U.N. court convicted former Ruwandan army colonel Theoneste Bagosora Thursday of genocide and sentenced him to jail for life. Before reading the sentence UN judge Gill T. Azell, verbally chasticed Bagorsora calling his crimes so hideous that even France sent troops against him. However prosecutor Hangum Byesbalz, rediculed the court saying " life imprisonment for crimes of genocide is further evidence that the U.N. just doesn't get it.

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NAACP report find TV networks lagging in diversity.

LOS ANGELES – Nearly a decade after the NAACP condemned a "virtual whiteout" in broadcast TV, NAACP President Benjamin Todd Jealous (yes, that's his real name) said major networks have stalled in their efforts to further ethnic diversity on-screen and off. Jealous, who has the most fitting name for an NAACP President since Anita Hanout, says if the networks don't get racially integrated soon he will advise African Americans to stop stealing television sets.

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Chrysler, GM revive merger talks, paper says

General Motors and Chrysler have reopened merger talks, with Chrysler's private owners signaling a willingness to give away part of its stake in the automaker, The Wall Street Journal reported Thursday, citing people familiar with the discussions. Merger talks between GM and Chrysler were suspended in early November after GM likened the merger to trying to save the Pygmy Elephant by mating them with sick Tigers.

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ON THIS DATE:

On this date the liberty bell was cracked when Benjamin Franklin handed Chuck Norris a bottle of Champagne and insisted he perform the christening honors.

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TODAY"S QUOTE:

Ask not what your country can do for you, ask who you can do for your country - Bill Clinton

IN THE NEWS:



Ted Kennedy Boosts Caroline's Senate Bid

Sen. Edward Kennedy, fighting a grave disease at age 76, is said to be working the phones to help his niece Caroline join the Senate herself. And the senator's effort to get Caroline Kennedy appointed is about more than the two of them: It's a chance to perpetuate a family legacy begun when President John F. Kennedy first negotiated a deal with Proctor and Campbell for every Kennedy politician to mention the name of ERA laundry detergent at the beginning or end of every sentence.

Santa gets parking ticket while delivering toys.

NEW YORK – Santa Claus has added a New York City traffic agent to his naughty list after she gave him a ticket while delivering gifts to children. The 60-year-old retired schoolteacher was riding a horse-drawn carriage and handing out toys and candy canes. It should be noted that this is not the first time this officer has issued an unpopular citation. Last spring the Easter Bunny was ticketed for littering and the Tooth Fairy was cited for trespassing. The officer was unavailable for comment as the man who answered the phone claimed she was out investigating The Old Lady Who Lives in a Shoe for welfare fraud.

3-year-old Hitler can't get name on cake


Heath Campbell, left, and his wife Deborah, were told that a store in Greenwich, N.J. would not inscribe their three-year-old son's full name, Adolf Hitler Cambell, center, on a birthday cake. Mr. Cambell , an unemployed chicken plucker, complains he is tired of the prejudice generated by his son's name. Mr. Cambell says, " Dolf's just a normal little boy who enjoys torturing cats and playing Stomp the Jew with his good friends Joey Stallon Smith and Chucky Manson Jones.

ON THIS DATE:

1777, France recognized America's independence by sending us all of their weapons with a note saying, " what the hell, we'll never use em anyway".

1903, Orville and Wilbur Wright made the first successful man-powered airplane flight, near Kitty Hawk, N.C. They made the second flight later that day when they flew past the upper floor of an all girl's school in the hopes of seeing some titties.

TODAY'S QUOTE:

My husband rides around all night shouting the British are coming while I stay at home and make sure he speaks the truth. - Deborah Revere

During some better times, President Bush and Secretary of State,Colin Powell return to the White House after interviewing Condoleezza Rice for Powel's, soon to be vacant, cabinet position.


IN THE NEWS

Live from New York, it's time to mock the disabled!

With Sarah Palin out of the national eye, "Saturday Night Live" turned its satirical guns toward another governor, New York's David Paterson. SNL's Fred Armisen portrayed Paterson as a bumbling man who is completely unqualified for the position. The National Federation of the Blind issued a statement calling the characterization "absolutely wrong". SNL creator Lorne Michaels refused to comment other than to say that "The Three Blind Mice Skit", which was to feature three blind homeless men dressed up as mice - fighting each other for a tasty hunk of government cheese, has been postponed indefinitely.

Playboy Mexico Mocks Virgin Mary

You would think even Playboy magazine had limits. It doesn't.
The famous skin magazine found a way to attack Christians and push porn at the same time. The magazine's Mexican copy featured "a model wearing nothing but a white cloth over her head and breasts," Raul Sayrols, publisher of Playboy Mexico, said in a statement, "The image is not and never was intended to portray the Virgin. The intent was to reflect a Renaissance-like mood on the cover." Mr. Sayols also explained that next month's cover featuring the same woman flashing a bearded man in a robe, an angry old man in a turban, and a chubby china man is meant to reflect a spring break-like atmosphere.

Sir Paul McCartney’s advice to the Dalai Lama

Sir Paul McCartney is in the news again revealing now that he once wrote to the Dalai Lama to criticise him for eating meat. The Dalai Lama replied saying that he went to see his doctor, after some small skin lesions broke out on his arms and legs. His doctors advised the lesions were little vaginas and if he didn't start eating meat soon he was going to turn into a giant pussy like Paul McCartney.


ON THIS DATE:


1773 The Boston Tea Party took place as American colonists boarded a British ship and dumped more than 300 chests of tea overboard to protest tea taxes. The British reacted swiftly, diving into the water with cups and crumpets then treading water till teatime was over.


1809 Napoleon Bonaparte was divorced from the Empress Josephine by an act of the French Senate. Although details are sketchy, it is believed that act was cowardice.

2000 -President-elect George W. Bush selected Colin Powell to become the first African-American secretary of state, not because he was black but because he had a funny first name.

TODAY'S QUOTE:

OK, I admit it. I was the man in the grassy knoll but I swear I was aiming at Jackie's gaudy pink hat. - Mr. Blackwell

Buck and Eunice White learn they are millionaires after winning the Ohio Lottery. Eunice says the timing couldn't have been better as Buck just lost his stock boy job a couple of months ago for stacking the Ragu Spaghetti Sauce beside the sanitary napkins. Eunice plans to stay home with the kids like she always has and Buck will continue to do odd jobs for beer and cigarette money. They intend to use their windfall to put gold skirting on their trailer and of course buy more lottery tickets.

IN THE NEWS:

BAGHDAD - An Iraqi reporter who threw his shoes at President George W. Bush was being held for questioning by the Iraqi prime minister's guards, an official said Monday. Muntadar al-Zeidi was being interrogated and when asked why he threw his shoes at the President, Mr al-Zeidi responded' "PRESIDENT? I thought it was that terrible actor from Talledega Nights.

LONDON (AP) -- Paul McCartney claims that he was the real politicized figure in The Beatles, not John Lennon, according to an interview published Sunday. McCartney was quoted as saying it was he who first raised concerns over the Vietnam war within the group and advocated their anti-war stance. McCartney went on to say that it was he, rather than George Harrison, who first became inspired by religion. Said McCartney, "I'll Follow the Sun" was really about my acceptance of Jesus Christ as my personal savior." I believe this had a significant impact on young Georgie's desire to emulate me. Asked to comment, former band mate Ringo Starr said, " I guess when I die, he'll be telling everybody he was the Beatle with the big nose".

OTTAWA - Paul Anka's wife was arrested after the Ottawa-born singer was hit in the head by a piece of ice during a recent domestic dispute, but prosecutors say they won't pursue the case.
When asked why she threw the ice, Anna Anka, said I didn't mean to hurt him its just that he's been so depressed lately so this morning I dressed in a sexy negligee and asked him if there was anything special he'd like. He said, "Yeah, I'd like a hit", so I hit him.

TODAY IN HISTORY:

Thomas Edison patents phonograph and James Naismith invents basketball. It is noteworthy because, without these two inventions, unemployment among young minorities would be 55%.

TODAY'S QUOTE:

I don't know Archie, the last time I pulled your finger, we had to repaint the kitchen. - Edith Bunker

Hilary Clinton enjoys an appetiser at Benihana's in New York

IN THE NEWS:

Republicans, refused to back federal aid for Detroit's beleaguered Big Three without a guarantee that the United Auto Workers would agree by the end of next year to wage cuts in order to bring their pay into line with U.S. plants of Japanese car makers. The auto workers refusal has caused many to question Darwin's theory of evolution, arguing that even primates of the lowest level would be smart enough to drop a steak if a lion was chewing on the other end of it.


Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., called the bill's collapse "a loss for the country," adding: "I dread looking at Wall Street tomorrow. It's not going to be a pleasant sight." Now if you'll excuse me, its been a long day. I just want to go home, kick the dog, and try and get some rest.


Washington resident Ella Fino told police an old man in a gray suit, knocked her to the ground and stole her baby's rattle in front of the Senate building last night.

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Competing for Federal aide, Ford Motor Company CFO Jack Hancock's offer of a reach around is quickly countered by Chrysler's Phillip "Phil" Atio.


News Update:

The Bush administration said Friday it was ready to step in and prevent the U.S. auto industry from collapsing after the Senate refused to pass a rescue bill endorsed by the White House and congressional Democrats. Chrysler CFO Phillip Atio, says that although he appreciates the assistance, negotiations have left him with a bitter taste in his mouth.

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THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

Jerry Lee Lewis weds his cousin Myra Gale Brown, 13. , while still married to his 1st wife Jane Mitcham. A reception for close family and friends was held at Chuck E. Cheese.


TODAY'S QUOTE:

Yubba Dubba shut up and do me Fred - Wilma Flintstone

IN THE NEWS:



The House of Representatives passed a bill intended to try and save the US auto industry Wednesday night, however the measure is expected to meet strong resistance from Senate Republicans. If successful, Republicans are expected to celebrate by meeting in the park to throw snowballs at the elderly.



Anonymous sources say Hugh Hefner is taking advantage of falling stock prices to buy up shares of McDonalds. If Mr. Hefner is successful in obtaining a majority interest, the rumor is he'll put nipples on top of the Golden Arches.
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In a rare show of bipartisanship, President Bush and Congressman Dennis Kucinnich meet with the press to discuss the need to help the troubled auto industry.





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THIS DAY IN HISTORY:



2002
A congressional report found that intelligence agencies before Sept. 11, 2001, were poorly organized, poorly equipped and slow to act. They concluded that these traits made the leaders of these agencies unfit to serve their country in any other capacity than as congressmen.

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TODAY'S QUOTE:



S

h

i

i

i

i

i

_ (Karl Wallenda)

No Trespassing.

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EBAY SALE

Illinois Senate Seat


Starting bid: US $500,000

Buy it now: US $1,000,000


CREATE YOUR OWN LEGISLATION

This important office can be the stepping stone for your own political ambitions. Seat is in amazing condition as previous occupant rarely used the position for anything other than promotional purposes over the last two years.

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In The News

US Jailers Use Rock Music To Torture Terrorists
GUANTANAMO BAY NAVAL BASE, Cuba (AP)

The US Government is using loud rock music to wear down captives and make them more likely to provide useful information to the CIA. Despite the complaints of humanitarian groups as well as the Musicians themselves - CIA spokesman , Dick Twist insists that blaring the rock music is much more successful and dignified than the "pointing at their little willies and laughing" techniques employed at Abu Ghraib.

Twist also stated that these techniques are not new and were first successfully used in 1980 when Henry Hill turned state's evidence after being subjected to repeated playings of Air Supply's Lost in Love. Twist says, "we want to assure the world that no such atrocity is being committed here at Gitmo".

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This date in Chuck Norris History:

Singer Otis Redding died at age 26 in the crash of his private plane in Wisconsin when Chuck Norris flicked a Miller High Life cap into the air and inadvertantly shot down the plane.

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Today's "Quote":

"I am sorry but I asked him three times to please remove his hat so I could see the play" (John Wilkes Booth).