IN THE NEWS:



Ted Kennedy Boosts Caroline's Senate Bid

Sen. Edward Kennedy, fighting a grave disease at age 76, is said to be working the phones to help his niece Caroline join the Senate herself. And the senator's effort to get Caroline Kennedy appointed is about more than the two of them: It's a chance to perpetuate a family legacy begun when President John F. Kennedy first negotiated a deal with Proctor and Campbell for every Kennedy politician to mention the name of ERA laundry detergent at the beginning or end of every sentence.

Santa gets parking ticket while delivering toys.

NEW YORK – Santa Claus has added a New York City traffic agent to his naughty list after she gave him a ticket while delivering gifts to children. The 60-year-old retired schoolteacher was riding a horse-drawn carriage and handing out toys and candy canes. It should be noted that this is not the first time this officer has issued an unpopular citation. Last spring the Easter Bunny was ticketed for littering and the Tooth Fairy was cited for trespassing. The officer was unavailable for comment as the man who answered the phone claimed she was out investigating The Old Lady Who Lives in a Shoe for welfare fraud.

3-year-old Hitler can't get name on cake


Heath Campbell, left, and his wife Deborah, were told that a store in Greenwich, N.J. would not inscribe their three-year-old son's full name, Adolf Hitler Cambell, center, on a birthday cake. Mr. Cambell , an unemployed chicken plucker, complains he is tired of the prejudice generated by his son's name. Mr. Cambell says, " Dolf's just a normal little boy who enjoys torturing cats and playing Stomp the Jew with his good friends Joey Stallon Smith and Chucky Manson Jones.

ON THIS DATE:

1777, France recognized America's independence by sending us all of their weapons with a note saying, " what the hell, we'll never use em anyway".

1903, Orville and Wilbur Wright made the first successful man-powered airplane flight, near Kitty Hawk, N.C. They made the second flight later that day when they flew past the upper floor of an all girl's school in the hopes of seeing some titties.

TODAY'S QUOTE:

My husband rides around all night shouting the British are coming while I stay at home and make sure he speaks the truth. - Deborah Revere