IN THE NEWS:

Washington D.C. Congress is expected to pass a bill authorizing a $15 Billion bailout package for Santa Claus. The move follows Santa's announcement that without the funds he'll have to cancel Christmas in 2009. Despite support from the White House, the bill is expected to meet stiff resistance by Republican Senators who vow to filibuster the bill unless the Elves union agrees to accept wage cuts. Union President Ollie Wannespoon claims the elves have already suffered many job losses and blame the high cost of gift giving on the increased cost of the highly narcotic "magic" dust required to get the reindeer off the ground. President elect Obama promises that if a settlement is not reached before he takes office, he will save Christmas by taxing Santa for sending jobs to China.

Palin's daughter gives birth to son named Tripp

ANCHORAGE, Alaska – The daughter of former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has given birth to a son. Bristol Palin, 18, gave birth to Tripp Johnston on Saturday, People magazine reported online. He weighed 7 pounds. The father is Levi Johnston, a former hockey player at Alaska's Wasilla High School. Johnston's mother was arrested on felony drug charges this month after state troopers served a search warrant at her Wasilla home. Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, have five children ranging in ages from 7 months to 19 years named Trig, Track, Willow, Piper, and Bristol. Anybody willing to bet that The Palins and Johnston's are all card carrying members of the Dead Heads Alaska Chapter?

In a related story, SNL creator Lorne Michael's announced the firing of Tina Fey for fucking up what would have probably been the funniest material coming out of the White House since Gerald Ford hit an old man in the head with a golf ball then fell in the water hazard while walking over to see if he was ok.

Scientists say they have discovered the world's largest dinosaur fossil site. Won't they be surprised when they dig a little deeper and discover they have only found Robert Byrd's childhood pet cemetary.

ON THIS DATE IN HISTORY:

1993 Israel and the Vatican agreed to recognize one another. Their first meeting went something like this. Hello Jew. Kill any children today? Hello to you too you Schmuck. Fuck any children today?

2006 Former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein was hanged. Immediately after his death John Edward's claimed to have channeled Hussein who confirmed that although he did receive the martyr's reward of 72 black-eyed virgins ..... since he was in hell, they were all former nuns.

In an effort not to discriminate or show favoritism for or against any one religion, I would like to add that I am sure that somewhere on this date a Scientologist, a Baptist, a Hindu, a Taoist, a Budist, an agnostic, and an atheist gang raped a chicken then cooked it for dinner. If I have left out your religion or have not insulted you or your belief's properly, I humbly ask your personal diety to infest your crotch with nits until you obtain a sense of humor and tolerance.

TODAY'S QUOTE:

I began to succeed in Hollywood when I began to suck seed in Hollywood -Heidi Fleiss